Doesn't listen, is rude, homophobic, racist and fights with other children!; why he's my kind of child

Rant alert!!!!

I find myself getting increasingly angry when I hear about the lack of understanding of the impact of speech language and communication difficulties.

Yesterday, I met a young man aged 11 years: He was charming, polite, eager to please the adult .

He:

• has significant auditory processing difficulties, which means he finds listening and attending in the classroom situation very difficult  (previously identified by Ed Psychologist)
• has a very poor auditory memory and poor verbal understanding which means following classroom instructions is extremely difficult for him (previously identified by NHS SLT)
• has expressive language difficulties, of which he is very aware but he does not want people to know, so he masks this in a variety of ways, one of which is  by using words and phrases but he has heard other 'cool' children using. Occasionally, this is racist or homophobic but he is unaware of this as he has heard others using this language freely. As he does not know it is rude or wrong, he will use it in front of school staff. (vocabulary issue previously identified by NHS SLT)
• has very, very literal understanding, so he will do a exactly as they say e.g.  'work quietly'  will mean he still talks (albeit quietly), 'stand here' means he finds the exact spot (identified previously by NHS SLT)
• he cannot initiate communication as he has pragmatic difficulties and  asking for help is one of the hardest things to initiate. He may ask a person next to him what he supposed to do but he's unlikely to ask the teacher...... then he gets into trouble for not doing what is supposed to do or talking
• he has impaired executive function so is impulsive, has difficulty initiating tasks and organising himself.  
• he is desperate to have friends and to be liked, so will do things to impress people.Sometimes this is to be the class clown, sometimes looking very silly
• he is not good at relationships with other children, he does not read their intentions so is very vulnerable to children whose intentions are not good. 
• he cannot negotiate so is likely to fallout with children and need support for interactions

He also has increasing anxiety, poor confidence and  low self-esteem (not surprising!).

This young man with all these barriers to his learning and making friends has an education and healthcare plan so should be receiving lots of help.......... is he?

NO: he just been excluded for low level disruptive behaviour e.g. not listening, being rude, homophobic, racist and fighting with other children!

This is a prime example of a child with speech language and communication difficulties being totally, totally missed understood. If he had a label e.g. autism or ADHD or looked different e.g. down syndrome, cerebral palsy, people would make allowances and  would want to do their best but because he looks 'normal' and has no label, he is being totally totally let down by the system .

We desperately need the 'unique child' label to be more than just that; a label. How does the term, that is flippantly passed around in meetings, look? This child needed his strengths and his weaknesses identifying and accommodations made. His behaviour is communication!

Please let's look behind the behaviour, why is a child behaving badly? Those who need the most help ask for it in the least helpful ways! I've just been judging the communication Trust Shine a light awards and there's some great SLCN work going on in the justice system but let's not let it get that far, lets get it right early on before the damage is done. 

School staff need more training and more support! We need more speech and language therapy so school and SLT can work together for children, like the olden days when I worked in Dudley circa 1988; we have gone backward not forwards!

I did warn you it was a rant!

What does anxiety look like in a pre-schooler?

I work with a fabulous nursery who have just taken over a pre-school too. I'd like to say who but it might identify the child so I won't. They have such a great balance of professionalism and caring. They also really understand children.

I saw a 4 yo chap today who sat in my little group and pretty much did everything that was asked of him. He joined in, answered questions, volunteered answers, helped another boy who was struggling. Only a minor protest when he didn't get a gold star first, in fact.

Last time I'd seen him was before xmas when his behaviour was awful: I'd even managed to be hit around the head with my own boot! He'd ripped things, stole things, grabbed items out of my bag and ran off with them, tipped the bubbles on the floor while maintaining eye contact in some sort of act of defiance, refused to co-operate, etc etc

In many nurseries he would have spent hours on the naughty step, been told off, been discussed by staff as the 'really naughty one'. In this one, however, they knew better: they knew that his behaviour was actually as a result of low self-esteem, poor confidence  and a desire for attention which didn't matter if it was positive attention or negative attention.

They've given him a good routine with firm boundaries, ignored what they don't want to re-inforce and praised what they want to encourage. He's really doing well and is miles away from the boy he was before xmas! I'm sure they're will be a few hiccoughs along the way but with the right support and understanding he's doing fantastically!

Second common scenario

Last time, I talked about a common scenario for secondary school, this time I will share a common primary school one.

Picture the scene: playtime in small primary school:

Boy, L, aged 9 is knocked over by another boy who was playing football, 'Sorry!' he shouts as he runs off. L is very angry as he had bumped into someone last week and had been told off and had to stand by the teacher. He had been messing about and had been 'an accident waiting to happen' according to the teacher. So he duly reports the other boy to the teacher on duty. 'I saw L, it was an accident, don't worry about it,' she responds.

L has quite a black and white view of life and doesn't really see the difference. His vocabulary isn't great so the term 'accident' had been used last week and again today so what is different?

He's irritated so argues with the teacher, 'But he did it, it wasn't an accident'. The teacher is calm for a short while but then equally irritated (she's probably got so much to do, she'd rather not be doing a duty anyway).

He's angry now so shouts at the teacher as he would his mum (he doesn't know those pragmatic rules where he should be modifying his language to his teacher). The teacher is now furious and sends him to the headteacher.

L still doesn't see that he should not argue/be respectful so yells at the headteacher. He is now so upset by the sheer injustice of the situation and can't hear any reason whatsoever,

L is excluded for the rest of the week!

If they could understand that he has:

• poor auditory memory
• difficulty remembering and learning new vocabulary
• rigid thinking
• lack of pragmatic awareness

They might handle him differently.

If the school set up was communication friendly and staff knew about these difficulties it would make their life and poor L's life so much easier.

Speech and language therapists have a valuable role to play in assessing child with behaviour difficulties. All behavior is communication, it's telling us something. There's no point in working on the symptoms i.e. rudeness, shouting at teacher etc, we need to understand the cause because then we can address it.

Unfortunately, there are may Ls out there but it upsets me every time!

Makes me so sad........

One of the things we do at Small Talk, is to see children who are having behaviour issues at school or at home and people are seeking the answer as to why they behave as they do.

It's so sad how so many children are being misunderstood. Time and time again, we see this scenario: 

The child who doesn't understand social clues and cues, may not be good at reading facial expressions, doesn't understand abstract language such as sarcasm, or people's intentions. They probably don't always remember that they need to modify their language according to the listener i.e. you don't talk to the teacher like you would your mum. They develop a strong sense of right and wrong to help them cope. They may be aware of their difficulties and be anxious.

Then, at lunchtime, someone knocks into them, they refuse to say sorry as it was 'an accident', they may try to explain that or just run off laughing. The child knows that you must tell if someone does something wrong but is sent away by the dinner lady or teacher on duty as 'he didn't mean it'. This upsets the child who gets more frustrated and wants to get his point across. He ends up shouting at the member of staff and is then sent to the headteacher. He is really fed up, frustrated and down right angry, so shouts at the headteacher too....... result: excluded for the next 2 days!

These children may be on the autistic spectrum but they might not. Social understanding is hard for many children.

The solution is simple:

1. A Social thinking programme with behaviour mapping for the child (Garcia Winner)
2. Training for staff

Why is that so hard to understand?

A story about Autism by Luke ....and my brother is called Tomas

Author and illustrator Egle Gelaziute-Petrauskiene has written a lovely book about her son Tomas who has ASD. I thought you'd like to hear the story behind the book............

It was October 2006 when we moved to the Midlands  - Tomas and Lukas were two and four – Lukas started at nursery – me and Tomas started visiting play groups, started making friends. Tomas learned some English words, few names and also to sing happy birthday‘

We visited places, and then winter came with viruses and ears infections, temperatures and medicines ... lots of crying and sleepless nights.  – In  spring we noticed that Tomas made no progress in any areas. It was June we were asking him repeatedly ,what colour are your socks?‘- which was red‘and it took twenty repetitions to get any answer from him. He did not want to answer. Just ignored . He did not wanted to look at what we showed. To say his name – he wanted to play with sharp knifes and empty bottles. Kept walking around repeating same phrases 'tom tom put bottle' . And then all the questions we asked ourselves – why he is so cry baby in public places, why he does not ask questions, why he is happy just be left alone, why he is so clingy, why he does not want to play on slides and climbing frames any more, why he is scared to death of shower and bath and stairs, why he does not like listening to story books, why he does not play with toys just building towers from everything? 

It takes time to realise that you need to look for help, especially when you think you have an ordinary child – that disorder is so difficult to spot, to believe to and understand – your autistic child looks quite normal one day, then tomorrow you think, no, something is not right‘ – and next day he does something bright again, it is not visible, it is not even clear at the start – it took us till Christmas to phone the health visitor to share concerns... Tomas lost most of his previously-had speech when he was three and half. And got the diagnosis 'working diagnosis of autistic spectrum disorders‘ next spring. He was most severe one from that small group of kids who went for assessment together – he could not even put any simple puzzle together nor sit still for a minute. Constantly on the move with no purpose. Autism  is a vast spectrum and Tomas is somewhat near the bad end, but it takes years to accept it. It takes lots of energy to swallow it and try to  find ways to help, as no proper help is readily available. We new only very little about autism at all, almost nothing, so had to read and find out what to do.  We had to rule out all treatments advertised on line – dolphin therapies and food therapies, food supplements made from see weeds and so on. And it is everyday life to cope with tantrums and eating nothing, door banging, no sleep, poor sleep. It took few years to accept that most likely he will be like that. That's how he is. And we love him even more.

This book I wrote when Tomas was about seven, Lukas friends used to come round or play in garden and stay for tea, we had to meet other kids in school summer fairs, outings, parks – I realised it is not  clear for kids, not even for adults, as if it would have been to me before Tomas why is that – why he is screaming and shouting, why he is eating so strangely and why he is allowed to do that, why we cant accept invite to party in swimming pool, why mum looks too tired – all that.  Autism  is invisible disability.  You have to explain a lot. Why why  why? When he will talk ? Will he grow up and will be normal? In the book i tried to explain things through Lukas point of view – using simple words and lots of illustrations.  About everyday life. That's it- we live with Tomas and life is a bit different because of that. We do not know what future holds for him and us, but no one knows. So I just hope that this book will be helpful and will give more understanding about families affected by autism.

 We also rise money from this book  for NAS Stafford branch and, as this playgroup was the place were we could turn for advice- they try to find whats around and having opportunity to meet other families in same situation is priceless. No judging looks at your child there too.

And yes, if you see a child in the park running quickly to you to fetch your bottle of drink paying no attention to any protests (and mum running after him) that might be someone just  like Tomas. Be patient, be aware that autistic kids and they families exist, and they go to parks too..and they try their best to behave! Do not tell them off.

Tomas mum,  Egle Gelaziute-Petrauskiene

This book will be available from our new website when it launches next week www.speechtherapyactivties.co.uk