Stop the parental-blame culture: A call for kindness to parents this World Kindness Day

In the run-up to World Kindness Day (13 November), and in my role as a speech–language therapist working with children with SEND and their families, I want to draw attention to a deeply troubling phenomenon: the institutional and systemic culture of parental blame. The research of Luke Clements (Cerebra Professor of Law and Social Justice, University of Leeds) and colleagues highlights that many local authorities act as if parents are the problem, rather than the system failing the family. ([Cerebra][1]) In this blog post I’ll explain what the research shows, why this matters for families — especially those I see in my clinic — and why government and local authorities must adopt kinder, more supportive practices. What the research shows Clements and Aiello’s study — Institutionalising Parent-Carer Blame (2021) — analysed 143 local authority children’s services assessment protocols and surveyed 92 parent-carer led groups. ([lukeclements.co.uk][2]) Their findings are stark: Many local authority protocols do not distinguish between families seeking support for a disabled child and families where there is suspicion of neglect or abuse. In effect, all are subjected to a “child protection” lens, regardless of need. ([lukeclements.co.uk][3]) * For example: 80 % of the protocols required assessors to confirm if the child’s bedroom has been seen, regardless of any evidence of neglect. 87 % required the child to be interviewed alone, regardless of any evidence of abuse. ([lukeclements.co.uk][2]) * Surveyed parent-carer groups reported that 86 % considered the assessment process “extremely unsatisfactory and intrusive”. Many parents described it as “humiliating”, “bullying”, “devastating” or akin to “the police turning up at your door with a warrant”. ([Special Needs Jungle][4]) * The research concludes that national and local social care policies create a default assumption of parental failings when disabled children and their families engage with services. They term this “institutionalised parent-carer blame”. ([Cerebra][1]) In short: parents seeking support for their child’s additional needs frequently feel treated as if they are doing something wrong. The system appears to assume fault, rather than starting from a place of support. Why this matters -- and what it looks like in the clinic As an SLT working with children who have communication needs, autism, selective mutism, demand-avoidance profiles and sensory differences, I see families who are exhausted, anxious, and worried about being judged. The research shines a light on structural practices that amplify these pressures. Here’s how it shows up: * A parent brings a child for support. The child is working hard but still struggling. The parent is doing their best. Yet the local authority’s default assessment sets the tone: “Why isn’t this working? What are you doing wrong?” * Families feel they must defend themselves, rather than feel heard. The process becomes adversarial, and energy is spent on survival rather than progress. * Parents may avoid seeking help in the first place for fear of being judged, labelled “ineffective” or having their parenting scrutinised. That delays intervention, which we know is time-sensitive for communication and language outcomes. * The psychological toll matters. When families feel blamed, their capacity to co-regulate, support and advocate is eroded. For children with complex needs (language, sensory, executive function), the family environment is key. A blaming stance undermines trust and collaboration. On World Kindness Day, the call is timely. Kindness in professional-system interactions isn’t a fringe “nice to have”; it is essential for effective partnership and for safeguarding the wellbeing of both children and their parents. What needs to change: A kinder, more effective system Drawing from Clements’ research and my own experience in therapy, here are key shifts needed from local authorities and government: 1. Shift from blame to support * Assessment protocols must clearly distinguish: disabled children needing support ≠ children in need of protection. Many protocols do *not*. ([lukeclements.co.uk][3]) * Guidance should emphasise *what the child and family need* rather than *what the parent did wrong*. 2. Ensure assessors have appropriate expertise * The research found that national guidance (e.g., Working Together 2018) does not require assessors of disabled children to have disability-specific expertise. ([essl.leeds.ac.uk][5]) * Local authorities must train assessors in disability, communication needs, sensory processing and neurodivergence, so families aren’t treated generically. 3. Revise local protocols to remove intrusive default practices * Practices like unannounced home visits, bedroom inspections, interviewing children without parent present (when no safeguarding concern) create trauma and distrust. ([Cerebra][6]) * Protocols should only authorise these steps when there is credible evidence of safeguarding concern, not as a default. 4. Embed parent-carer voice and partnership * Families often feel excluded or infantilised. The system must engage parents as partners, recognising their expertise about their child. * Parent-carer needs assessments (as required under Children and Families Act 2014, section 97) are being denied in too many cases. ([UK Parliament Committees][7]) 5. Embed kindness as system value * Kindness here means: respectful language, recognising stress and effort, acknowledging systemic barriers, offering clear pathways, timely support, and reducing fear of blame. * On World Kindness Day and every day, local authority communications, policies and frontline staff should reflect a stance of help not judgement. Why this matters for children’s outcomes When parents feel supported rather than blamed, children benefit: * Engagement in therapy and services is better. * Families are more likely to ask for help early. * Co-regulation and trust at home improve, enabling children’s progress in communication, interaction and emotional regulation. * Reduced stress in the family system means resources can go into *learning*, not *defending*. In other words: kindness is not soft; it is strategic. A call to action So, to local authorities, regional children’s services, government, and to all of us in allied professions (SLTs, social workers, educational psychologists, OT etc): * Acknowledge the problem: that parental blame is institutionalised. The evidence from Luke Clements and team is clear. ([Cerebra][8]) * Review your policies and practices today: Are they assuming parenting fault? Are they treating families of disabled children like they are under suspicion, rather than support? * Replace standard assessment-pathways with support pathways: one for families requesting routine support, another (distinct) for safeguarding/child-protection where concerns exist. * Engage with parents, ask them what they experience, involve them in redesigning assessment protocols. * Make kindness explicit: embed it in training, supervision, policy documents, front-line practice. In my clinic: What I’ll be doing As an SLT, I pledge to: * Use language in my reports and conversations that reflects a supportive partnership with parents: “How can we help together?” rather than “What’s wrong with how it’s being done?”. * Advocate for families when I see assessment pathways that feel punitive or intrusive. * Share with parents the research by Clements & Aiello so they feel validated and understood that the system may be working against them, not with them. * Encourage local authority teams and school-based colleagues to adopt kinder practices, and offer evidence of the impact of parenting-blame on therapeutic outcomes. Conclusion On 13 November, as we celebrate World Kindness Day, let’s extend kindness where it matters most: to the parents and carers of children with additional needs — the ones who often carry a heavy burden, who show up each day, who fight for their child’s communication, connection and learning. Kindness from the system means recognising that **parents are not the problem**. The problem is a system that treats families as if they are under suspicion rather than deserving of support. The research by Luke Clements and colleagues gives us the evidence; now it’s time for the policy-makers, local authorities and professionals to act. Let’s stop the parental blame. Let’s start genuine partnership, genuine support, and genuine kindness. References Clements, L. & Aiello, A. (2021). *Institutionalising parent-carer blame: The experiences of families with disabled children in their interactions with English local authority children’s services departments.* Cerebra Legal Entitlements & Problem-Solving (LEaP) Project, School of Law, University of Leeds. Clements, L. (2021, July 22). “Urgent change is needed to stop the institutional culture of parent-carer blaming.”Special Needs Junglw. [1]: https://cerebra.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Final-Parent-Blame-Report-20-July-21-03.pdf?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Institutionalising parent carer blame" [2]: https://www.lukeclements.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Institutionalising-Parent-Blame-webinar-PP-handout.pdf?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Institutionalising parent blame" [3]: https://www.lukeclements.co.uk/institutionalising-parent-carer-blame/?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Institutionalising Parent-carer Blame" [4]: https://www.specialneedsjungle.com/urgent-change-needed-stop-institutional-parent-carer-blaming/?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Urgent change is needed to stop the institutional culture of ..." [5]: https://essl.leeds.ac.uk/download/downloads/id/923/challenging-parent-carer-blame-interim-research-report-1-disability-and-human-rights-training-and-guidance-for-disabled-childrens-assessors-2022.pdf?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Challenging Parent Carer Blame: Interim implementation ..." [6]: https://cerebra.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Final-Parent-Blame-Report-20-July-21-02.pdf?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Institutionalising parent carer blame" [7]: https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/107835/pdf/?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Written evidence from Luke Clements, Cerebra Professor ..." [8]: https://cerebra.org.uk/research/institutionalising-parent-carer-blame/?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Institutionalising Parent-carer Blame"