Some years back I attended some
training on using Dyadic Developmental Practice (DDP) in supporting children who have experienced
developmental trauma, during which I was introduced to the concept of PACE. The
PACE approach focuses on P- playfulness, A- acceptance, C- curiosity and E-
empathy. (I would recommend the Dan Hughes link below for more information regarding
PACE).
Two things occurred to me; this
approach should be used for ALL children AND surely curiosity is how we all
respond to children! Being a natural people watcher and analyser I knew of no
other way, yet it seemed this wasn’t the norm!
So now within my role in supporting
parents to support their child and working with schools to adapt to individual
needs, I talk about curiosity a lot! And as a parent I try my very hardest to
use this each day (although I’m only human and sometimes energy levels don’t
allow!)
Curiosity is a given when we are
amongst adults! A colleague is late for a meeting, we wonder why? Are they ok?
A good friend gets short and impatient with her children, we worry, they need a
break. Our partner complains of insomnia and feeling unwell each evening, we
worry about their physical and mental health.
Yet when it comes from a child we
assume they didn’t care about being on time, they are rude and uncaring or they
are attention seeking or avoiding. Maybe they are late because a friend was
upset or hurt, maybe they were rude because they have had a hard time at school
that day and too need a break, may be they are unsettled at bedtime and
complaints of feeling sick are due to anxiety.
Let’s consider how this could look
in school. A child is told off for talking in class; he is deemed disrespectful?
Or maybe he is supporting his struggling friend sat next to him. A child is not
sitting still and deemed unable to listen nicely, what if maybe she needed the
loo but is too scared to ask as she knows she should have gone at break. And on
that matter, in what work place would an adult be restricted to go to the
toilet only in scheduled breaks?!
Anyway, the biggest point I want to
make is the importance of curiosity when we are parenting, caring or educating
a neurodivergent child (i.e. an autistic, ADHD) or any child for that matter,
but especially for a child who is possibly less able to understand, articulate
or verbalise their needs or distress.
Often a child who is autistic will
behave or respond differently to a non-autistic child. This is because they
experience the world in different ways and they may communicate their experiences
in a different way. Either way their experience is real and valid i.e. if a
child finds the noise of the hoover upsetting then that is real and a genuinely
distressing experience even if the rest of the family don’t feel it in that
way. Something I hear often said to a child is ‘just ignore it/them/her/him;
the response the child often given is ‘I can’t just ignore’. This is real and
truly excruciating for a child who is already possibly overwhelmed by the
environmental factors such as; the sensory onslaught, the social expectations
and demands and then some adult turns around and says ‘just ignore’ the
annoying tapping of the child next to you, or the fact that your shirt feels
uncomfortable. Overload and meltdown are likely.
So I suppose we need to be curious
as to what is going on under the surface; under the surface of the iceberg,
below the surface of the water of the swan. Many children I see don’t feel the
build-up of their emotions, many parents talk about their child’s emotions
going from 0-100 in the blink of an eye. Many children will try to mask or suppress
emotions in unsafe feeling environments (see my last blog for more on masking),
some children have differences with Interoception, in that they don’t feel the
internal sensations that tell us our emotions are stirring e.g. that pounding
heart when we feel anxious. Some children have alexithymia; difficulty feeling,
understanding and communicating emotions. This interferes with children
managing their emotions and is actually quite scary when you think a child
could very suddenly be overtaken by a flight/fight response at any given time
with no warning!
So with all this going on; sensory
differences, different communication style, difficulties with understanding and
communicating emotions, how can we respond with anything but:
Curiosity; what why? What is my child communicating &
what is the cause of her distress? Why may they be behaving/presenting this
way? What is their experience and why?
Acceptance; my child is angry, overwhelmed, uncomfortable and
although I don’t have the same experience, it is real for them. It’s hard
accepting that my child is distressed and it may hurt me when they feel this
way, but emotions are neither good nor bad and not accepting them does not make
my child not have them or feel any better. I.e. ‘you’re ok, that doesn’t hurt’
when a child falls and cries, doesn’t take their pain away! Imagine sat with a group of friends, talking
through a negative experience you have had and your friends say ‘oh you will be
ok, it wasn’t that bad’! I’m not sure you would feel understood, listened to
and cared for!
Empathy; although I don’t feel the same way I can validate and
empathise with my child’s experiences i.e. ‘I can see this is really hard for
you’. The myth of autistic people not having empathy is still going strong!
(This is absolutely false by the way!) And yet so many still have a lack of
empathy for the lived experiences of autistic people. Empathy comes easy when
we truly understand our child’s needs and experiences.
In practice (i.e. real life)
curiosity could look like this; a child is ‘refusing’ to leave the house for a
walk. Her refusal could look like; refusal to get dressed or put shoes on
and/or dropping to the floor at the door, seemingly having a ‘tantrum’. One
response maybe to shout, force and insist without question, inevitably causing
further distress communicated in ‘challenging behaviours’ from the child OR a
child going into submissive/fawn mode and eventually being forced into
complying (often being made to feel like they are ‘ruining it for the whole
family’ or ‘a naughty child’ if they don’t). HOWEVER let’s throw curiosity into
the equation! A child refuses to get
dressed; why won’t they get dressed today (bearing in mind they may be unable
to tell us what’s up, why they are struggling, not linking it with the walk
even)? What have we planned today that maybe a struggle for them? What did we
do yesterday that they are still de-compressing from? Do they need more
down/chill time? Do they need some reassurance? Do they need some preparation
or control over today’s events? What about a walk could they be struggling
with? The child’s perspective could be; “last time we went out walking Mum
stopped for half an hour to ‘chat’ to the neighbour who asked me lots of
annoying ‘small talk’ questions like ‘how’s school?’ which is rubbish as I hate
school but no-one ever wants to hear that!” Maybe the walk is overwhelming and
scary as it involves crossing a busy road which always has loads of
motorbikes/sirens/lorries on. Could a walk be causing physical distress, “every
time I tell Dad my legs ache he tells me ‘we are nearly home’ when actually we
aren’t and I’m in pain!” or “every time we go for walk we change the route,
which means the walk is unpredictable and stressful for me.” If we could have
empathy for this we could make adjustments and agreements that make the walk
feel less scary and overwhelming for a child OR we consider if maybe it’s too
much for a child to manage today and he needs to practice some self-care.
How could
this look in school? The child punished for copying her partner is maybe struggling
to process auditory information when the teacher gives instructions. The child
deemed inattentive and always ‘daydreaming’ is needing to look away from the
teacher in order to process what is being said to her. Curiosity in the
classroom is paramount for ensuring needs are understood and met.
Re-framing our children’s
‘challenging behaviours’ as a communication of their distress, their overload
and their frustration with a world that so often goes against their neurology
aids empathy, which in turn naturally aids us to respond with nurture and care
which in turn ensures our child has good mental health.
Curiosity has to be the first step to this!
Jodie
https://m.facebook.com/Childrens-Behaviour-Support-Wiltshire-606003673066792/?ref=bookmarks
Further Reading
No comments:
Post a Comment