The Words We Don’t Say: Why the quietest gestures can be the loudest form of communication

Communication Is So Much More Than Talking: This week in a group session, something happened that really struck me. One of the children I support had recently been in hospital. He still had an NG tube in place, and when it was his turn to share, he spoke about how awful it had been — the endless injections, the procedures, the sheer exhaustion of it all. As he spoke, another boy in the group quietly reached out. This boy always carries three special objects in his left hand. Without a word, he pushed them across so my client could hold them. My client kept those objects with him for the rest of the session. It was such a simple act, but so deeply significant. That gesture said: *I care. I see you. I want to help you feel better.* It was empathy and connection, communicated without speech. What stayed with me even more was that when I spoke afterwards with the two TAs in the room, they hadn’t noticed what had happened. For them, the moment passed by. But to me, it was the very heart of the session. This is the reminder I took away: **communication is so much more than talking.** * For parents, it’s encouragement to notice those quiet acts between children — the way they share a toy, sit a little closer, or offer something meaningful. These are powerful ways of expressing care and belonging, even when words are hard to find. * For professionals, it’s a call to slow down and watch closely. Not every child will communicate in ways that are loud, verbal, or obvious. Sometimes, the deepest messages are in the small gestures we might otherwise miss. Sometimes, the most powerful things said are the things that never need words.

When Language Blooms: The Everyday Magic of Speech and Play

As a speech and language therapist, I spend much of my time thinking about what happens when communication is hard work. I spend hours analysing why words don’t come, why sentences don’t form, why interactions stall. But every now and then, I’m reminded of just how miraculous – and frankly astonishing – language development is when it all goes to plan. This week my 23-month-old granddaughter gave me one of those moments. While deep in imaginative play with a train set and some toy animals, she came out with: “This teddy too big put zebra in.” At first glance it might sound like a jumble of words, but look more closely and you’ll see all the ingredients of early grammar bubbling up beautifully: She’s working with size concepts (“too big”). She’s problem-solving in real time, narrating her play as she works it out. She’s stringing together four-plus words in a sequence that has logic, flow and intent. For a child not yet two years old, this is nothing short of amazing. It’s her brain showing that the building blocks of grammar – subject, size/quality, action, solution – are falling into place through play, not drills or flashcards. Why this matters Language isn’t something analytical language processors learn by rote; it grows out of real experiences, meaningful relationships, and playful problem-solving. When a toddler is surrounded by responsive adults, stories, songs, and conversation, their brain soaks it up and begins weaving words into ideas. What my granddaughter did in that moment was more than just talking – it was thinking out loud, using language to organise the world. The professional and the grandmother collide As a professional, I could break her utterance down into developmental milestones, sentence complexity, semantic categories and syntax. As a grandmother, I just sat in awe. Both parts of me agreed on one thing: this is a small miracle. A reminder We sometimes forget how extraordinary it is that humans learn to talk at all. In less than two years, a child moves from cooing and babbling to making themselves understood with strings of words that capture ideas, jokes, and stories. So when it all comes together like this – a toddler, some animals, and an unprompted sentence that captures a whole scene – I can’t help but celebrate. Language development is a marvel. And every now and then, the children in our lives gift us a moment that reminds us why.

When should you worry about your little one?

'Oh don't worry he's fine!' Just wait and see!' Parents often have an instinct when something isn't quite right but are fobbed off by well meaning family or friends. Let's have a look at when should you seek help? We strongly recommend that you seek help from a speech-language therapist if your child: By 12 months • doesn’t babble with changes in tone – e.g. dadadadadadadadada • doesn’t use gestures like waving “bye bye” or shaking head for “no” • doesn’t respond to her/his name • doesn’t communicate in some way when s/he needs help with something By 15 months • doesn't understand and respond to words like "no" and "up" • says no words • doesn't point to objects or pictures when asked “Where’s the...? • doesn’t point to things of interest as if to say “Look at that!” and then look right at you By 18 months • doesn’t understand simple commands like "Don't touch" • isn’t using at least 20 single words like "Mommy" or "up" • doesn’t respond with a word or gesture to a question such as “What’s that? or “Where’s your shoe?” • can’t point to two or three major body parts such as head, nose, eyes, feet By 24 months • says fewer than 100 words • isn’t consistently joining two words together like "Daddy go" or “ shoes on” • doesn’t imitate actions or words • doesn’t pretend with toys, such as feeding doll or making toy man drive toy car By 30 months • says fewer than 300 words • isn’t using action words like “run”, “eat”, “fall” • isn’t using some adult grammar, such as “two babies” and “doggie sleeping” 3-4 years • doesn’t ask questions by 3 years • isn’t using sentences (e.g., "I don't want that" or "My truck is broken") by three years • isn’t able to tell a simple story by four or five years If you’ve noticed one or more of these warning signs in your child, it’s important that you ignore hose well meaning people and seek help. Many NHS areas have a drop-in session. We have sessions with the Speech and language Therapy assistant to screen to see if further assessment is needed.

When Words Aren’t Needed: How hand squeezes, half-smiles, and song clips can carry the strongest messages.

When people think about communication, the first thing that usually comes to mind is *talking*. We place so much importance on spoken words that it can feel as though communication hasn’t really happened unless something has been said out loud. But that’s not true. Communication is so much more than words. I’ve been reminded of this very personally in recent weeks. My father has had a stroke. He can’t speak, and he has no use of the right side of his body. And yet yesterday, he still communicated powerfully. A look, a half-smile, and the gentle squeeze of my hand said far more than any words could. I knew what he meant, and I felt his love and reassurance in that simple moment. This same lesson is clear in my everyday work with children. Many of the children we see at Small Talk don’t use “mouth words” much—or at all—but that doesn’t mean they aren’t communicating. Quite the opposite! One young man I work with doesn’t use speech, but he plays song clips to show people what he wants and how he is feeling. A burst of a favourite tune is his way of saying, *“That’s me. That’s how I feel right now.”* Other children use their eyes, their faces, their hands, their movements, or their laughter to make themselves understood. Parents often tell me their biggest wish is to hear their child *say* words, and I completely understand that. Spoken language is valuable, and we will always support children to develop it if it’s possible for them. But it’s also important to notice and celebrate all the other ways they are already communicating. Research shows that most of what we understand in communication comes from non-verbal signals—things like facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone, and eye contact. Words are just one part of the picture. So, the next time your child looks at you with a twinkle in their eye, hands you a toy, shares a sound clip, or pulls you towards what they want—see that for what it is: real, powerful communication. Responding to these signals not only strengthens your connection with your child, it also lays the foundation for any spoken language that may develop later. Sometimes the deepest messages are spoken without words at all.

Why do some children lie?

Ive just had a very familiar conversation with a parent about their potentially autistic child. He lies about small things like what he has at home but also big things such as his father hitting him. Safe-guarding concerns are always flagged. But why does this happen? Understanding the Behaviour Autistic children can display complex stress responses when overwhelmed, distressed, confused, or when communication breaks down. These responses can include: 1. Fight • May appear argumentative, accusatory, or defensive • Can present as firm insistence on a version of events to regain control 2. Flight • Avoidance of questioning or shifting into an alternate “reality” to escape distress • Storytelling can act as emotional escape when real-life stressors feel intolerable 3. Freeze • Shutdown, flat affect, or lack of reaction when asked about the allegation • May appear "unbothered" or robotic – often a dissociative response, not deception 4. Fawn • Saying what they think adults want to hear • Highly compliant with leading or suggestive questioning, even if inaccurate 5. Fibster Response (Confabulation as Coping) • Narrative may be inconsistent or fictional, yet genuinely believed by the child • Can arise from communication impairments, poor episodic memory, or unmet emotional needs 6. Funster Response (Fantasy as Self-Protection) • Uses humour or storytelling to deflect distress • Allegations may symbolise emotional hurt or relational fear, not literal events Why This Happens: A Neurodevelopmental & Trauma-Informed Lens • Language and communication difficulties (e.g. delayed echolalia, literal thinking) • Poor memory coherence (autistic children may struggle to sequence or recall personal events reliably) • Alexithymia (difficulty identifying or explaining internal emotional states) • High anxiety and prior invalidation (can fuel internal distress that is externalised as a fixed story) • Co-occurring demand avoidance or trauma (some stories may be an expression of fear, loss of control, or relational rupture) This does not mean the child is “lying” in the deliberate sense. It reflects a protective, stress-related survival response. Safeguarding Considerations 1. Take all allegations seriously. Even when stories appear implausible, always begin with appropriate safeguarding procedures. 2. Ensure the child is safe and regulated. Avoid confrontation. Use calm, validating language: “Thank you for telling us. You were right to speak up. We’re going to help you feel safe.” 3. Do not lead or overload the child with questions. Use trauma-informed communication. Where needed, seek support from a speech and language therapist (SLT) or clinical psychologist trained in autism. 4. Document factually. Record the child’s words verbatim, without interpretation or assumption. Note context, emotional state, and any communication differences. 5. Consider the child’s neurodevelopmental profile. Assess with input from autism and communication specialists before making judgements on credibility. 6. Use reflective supervision. For staff involved, explore emotional responses and unconscious bias to ensure safeguarding responses remain child-centred and non-punitive. Recommended Actions • Ensure the child is given a safe adult relationship where their voice is heard without pressure. • Involve SLT and/or clinical psychology to support narrative formation, memory reliability, and emotional literacy. • Review previous safeguarding records for patterns of distress, exclusion, or misinterpretation. • Plan ongoing support, particularly around emotional regulation, communication, and safe expression of concerns. Reference Framework • Department for Education (2023). Working Together to Safeguard Children • NICE Guidelines NG93 (2018). Autism spectrum disorder in under 19s: Support and management • Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation • Bruce, S., & Thorne, K. (2021). Trauma-informed Practice for Children and Young People with DLD We talk talk about this enough!